Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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