he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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