I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
