I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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