You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
