does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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