Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
