I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
