He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
