I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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