I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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