in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
