Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
