After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
