2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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