do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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