I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
