only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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