from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
