Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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