You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Dick very happy bro
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
