Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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