I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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