His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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