YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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