So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
