We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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