Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
