Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
