He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
