You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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