That's intense
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
