I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
