I met the friendliest cop last night
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
