This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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