WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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