Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
