Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
