I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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