Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They took my balls.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
