I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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