I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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