You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
