Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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