he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
