He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So here I am, sexting at work.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
