I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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