saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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