She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
