This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
